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graceI've raped my guardian angel so many times that it is a wonder I still can look her in the face and ask forgiveness. Yet each time she forgives me and says "see, you only hurt yourself; I'll be fine. I am an angel." So I try to make better choices for myself, to fight fear and not lash out in its grip. And She, this great guardian angel who loves me unconditionally, stands by and gives me gifts to keep me aware that my choices count. Tiny messages I can choose to ignore or to hear and embrace. More and more I am able to live right here, right now, wherever that is and to accept the seemingly endless series of gifts that are the substance of my life. The only force that can overcome fear and rage is gratitude, and so I try to wake up every day and PRACTICE it. With all of my heart. In spite of this my head will say "look at her. Look at that beautiful angel of God that stands there watching, protecting. You can do what you want with her." And then the fear and lust and rage kick in and I go after her again and feel the remorse and crawl to her for fogiveness and she always replies the same. "Get up my child. You don't belong there crawling, but standing tall." And I cry on her shoulder and she gives me strength, the strength of my own fragility and humanity. The strength of the sheer fact that I am still alive against all odds. The more I become a beautiful crutch others can safely lean on the more I am able to lean on the beautiful crutches I see around me and vice versa. This guardian angel of mine teaches me time and time again about forgiveness, so I can forgive myself and be alive and awake in the moment without judgement. I recently read somewhere the phrase "perfect is the enemy of good." I am most grateful for this. That I can learn from my mistakes, but also that I can live in a constant state of struggle with them. Grace isn't perfection. It is accepting imperfection. Loving imperfection. Seeing the beauty in the mess I am and the mess the world is. Why do I use a metaphor of raping my guardian angel? Because maybe looking at it that way will get my own attention... It seems extreme and maybe it is, but why am I here? If it is to buy stuff or aquire stuff or has anything to do with stuff then I think one of those times I tried I would have made sure to secceed in killing myself. I feel my spirit and I feel the spirit of others. I hear these spirits and I trying to listen better. Most of our spirits are badly wounded or even worse ignored and neglected. Mine won't be ignored. She has these wonderfully terrifying ways of getting my attention, even right after I've raped her and left her battered and alone. I guess I finally grew tired of the work it took to shut her up or block my ears. Now that I've listened long enough to really understand her songs, the sound of them is the most beautiful music I've ever heard. Beyond my greatest dreams. So I'll keep listening and very slowly accept the comfort of this music more and more instead of fighting it and reaching for the the cold blade of oblivion's knife... Saturday, February 25th 2006 |
04/29/2023 | Last Thoughts on Covid | ||
03/14/2023 | March 2023 | |||
03/14/2023 | BLM, Covid, ALM | |||
02/8/2023 | Fitting In | |||
12/4/2022 | Addiction | |||
11/4/2022 | Small Talk | |||
10/3/2022 | Every Bullet | |||
10/3/2022 | Order and Chaos | |||
07/20/2022 | Childbirth | |||
06/6/2022 | Breakup Songs | |||
05/26/2022 | Thoughts and Prayers | |||
05/26/2022 | Pro | |||
05/26/2022 | Guns and Capitalism | |||
04/30/2022 | World Religions | |||
02/14/2022 | Spotify | |||
06/26/2021 | Civil Disobedience for Climate Justice Verses the Power of Song | |||
05/28/2021 | Art work IS work! | |||
05/24/2021 | Healthcare | |||
12/28/2020 | Inauguration Day | |||
11/6/2020 | Facebook Community Standards | |||
11/3/2020 | Masks, Red Arrows, and Entitlement | |||
07/29/2020 | Stella Immanuel | |||
05/8/2020 | Respect the Elders | |||
03/24/2020 | Buddha, Jesus, Patriarchy, President | |||
03/21/2020 | Covid 19 Virus Days | |||
09/13/2019 | 9/11 | |||
05/13/2019 | Look to the Kids | |||
07/4/2018 | Independence Day 2018 | |||
05/20/2018 | Abortion and Guns | |||
05/2/2018 | Civil Disobedience | |||
12/1/2017 | Price of Progress | |||
01/28/2017 | Prayer for America | |||
05/27/2014 | "Free" music | |||
12/30/2013 | Happy New Year | |||
09/26/2013 | Ignorant Bliss | |||
11/29/2012 | Gillen & Turk 2008 Opening for Todd Rungren | |||
08/27/2012 | Shallow Money Trench | |||
06/22/2012 | Crazy Horse | |||
05/9/2012 | Talk | |||
01/19/2012 | Freedom | |||
12/31/2011 | Happy New Year | |||
12/13/2011 | Men of Business | |||
11/19/2011 | WAR | |||
11/18/2011 | Earth And Spirit | |||
10/10/2011 | Occupy Wall Street | |||
10/6/2011 | Independence | |||
09/20/2011 | Anger and Love | |||
09/6/2011 | You Can't Have Everything | |||
09/1/2011 | The Instruments | |||
08/30/2011 | Fathers | |||
08/2/2011 | On Being An Artist | |||
05/11/2011 | Speaking The Truth | |||
04/25/2011 | Tuning the lead vocal | |||
03/17/2011 | Instilling Values | |||
01/14/2011 | The Current Music Business | |||
11/5/2010 | Even The Air | |||
10/19/2010 | Rednecks, Racism, This-ism, that-ism | |||
09/8/2010 | 9/11 | |||
07/18/2010 | Being Ecumenical | |||
07/6/2010 | Dust | |||
06/30/2010 | Gay Rights/ Marriage | |||
03/11/2010 | The heart | |||
03/11/2010 | Culture | |||
01/5/2010 | Coats | |||
12/11/2009 | Pete Seeger | |||
12/2/2009 | Environmental Protest Songs | |||
10/5/2009 | Adam & Eve | |||
06/18/2009 | The World Rolls Along | |||
06/11/2009 | Clearwater | |||
06/10/2009 | The World Rolls Along | |||
06/10/2009 | War Machine | |||
06/9/2009 | alternative media | |||
06/9/2009 | alternative media | |||
05/14/2008 | God | |||
02/24/2008 | broke | |||
02/11/2008 | HOPE MACHINE | |||
01/6/2008 | Dennis Kucinich | |||
12/27/2007 | NYPD | |||
10/4/2007 | Mitakuye Oyasin | |||
05/21/2007 | The Past | |||
04/15/2007 | Kurt Vonnegut, Indian Point | |||
10/8/2006 | God | |||
06/26/2006 | From the Pe Sla -the heart of the heart of Lakota sacred land -the Black Hills of South Dakota | |||
06/5/2006 | Mowing The Lawn | |||
03/24/2006 | Gone Gone Gone | |||
02/25/2006 | grace | |||
09/26/2005 | Sky To Mountain | |||
09/22/2005 | Love | |||
09/14/2005 | Look Down | |||
04/19/2005 | April 2005 | |||
01/27/2005 | Poverty | |||
01/11/2005 | Grace | |||
12/3/2004 | Standing Up 2 | |||
12/1/2004 | Tired | |||
11/29/2004 | Standing Up | |||
11/29/2004 | Mercy | |||
09/18/2004 | Beaten | |||
08/7/2004 | Half Full | |||
07/16/2004 | Hallelujia! | |||
07/16/2004 | Battered Feathers | |||
03/14/2004 | gifts | |||
03/1/2004 | Ancestors | |||
03/1/2004 | A Prayer | |||
12/24/2003 | "The Bomb" | |||
05/16/2003 | Safe | |||
05/16/2003 | Satan | |||
05/5/2003 | Faith, Hope, Love | |||
03/10/2003 | Tatoo | |||
02/11/2003 | Folk Music is alive and well! | |||
01/13/2003 | Revolution | |||
01/2/2003 | January 2003 | |||
11/17/2002 | FEAR | |||
11/9/2002 | Election Day | |||
10/30/2002 | Election Day | |||
10/14/2002 | Checkpoint Charlie | |||
06/17/2002 | Revolution | |||
06/3/2002 | Gold | |||
06/3/2002 | WAGE LOVE! | |||
06/3/2002 | Mercy | |||
06/3/2002 | New World Order? | |||
04/4/2002 | Real? | |||
04/4/2002 | Billboards | |||
04/4/2002 | Faith | |||
03/22/2002 | Living into the 21st century | |||
03/22/2002 | Comfort | |||
03/22/2002 | Barren Ground | |||
03/22/2002 | Dreams | |||
03/14/2002 | March 11, 2002 | |||
02/25/2002 | Germany | |||
12/14/2001 | NOW | |||
09/19/2001 | September 11, 2001 | |||
08/6/2001 | #5 Taking Responsibility | |||
07/12/2001 | Television | |||
06/11/2001 | #3: Sprawl | |||
05/16/2001 | #2 | |||
05/16/2001 | #1 | |||