Fred Gillen Jr.

Fuel for the Revolution

This is my blog. I started it back in 1998 when the term "blog" was new and I'd certainly never heard of it. At the time I didn't know I was blogging, I just wanted to post some non- edited pieces I'd written in my notebooks. I do not revise or censor this material in any way. Please feel free to email me through the "contact" page on this site if you have anything to say about what you read here.

grace

I've raped my guardian angel so many times that it is a wonder I still can look her in the face and ask forgiveness. Yet each time she forgives me and says "see, you only hurt yourself; I'll be fine. I am an angel." So I try to make better choices for myself, to fight fear and not lash out in its grip. And She, this great guardian angel who loves me unconditionally, stands by and gives me gifts to keep me aware that my choices count. Tiny messages I can choose to ignore or to hear and embrace. More and more I am able to live right here, right now, wherever that is and to accept the seemingly endless series of gifts that are the substance of my life. The only force that can overcome fear and rage is gratitude, and so I try to wake up every day and PRACTICE it. With all of my heart. In spite of this my head will say "look at her. Look at that beautiful angel of God that stands there watching, protecting. You can do what you want with her." And then the fear and lust and rage kick in and I go after her again and feel the remorse and crawl to her for fogiveness and she always replies the same. "Get up my child. You don't belong there crawling, but standing tall." And I cry on her shoulder and she gives me strength, the strength of my own fragility and humanity. The strength of the sheer fact that I am still alive against all odds. The more I become a beautiful crutch others can safely lean on the more I am able to lean on the beautiful crutches I see around me and vice versa. This guardian angel of mine teaches me time and time again about forgiveness, so I can forgive myself and be alive and awake in the moment without judgement. I recently read somewhere the phrase "perfect is the enemy of good." I am most grateful for this. That I can learn from my mistakes, but also that I can live in a constant state of struggle with them. Grace isn't perfection. It is accepting imperfection. Loving imperfection. Seeing the beauty in the mess I am and the mess the world is. Why do I use a metaphor of raping my guardian angel? Because maybe looking at it that way will get my own attention... It seems extreme and maybe it is, but why am I here? If it is to buy stuff or aquire stuff or has anything to do with stuff then I think one of those times I tried I would have made sure to secceed in killing myself. I feel my spirit and I feel the spirit of others. I hear these spirits and I trying to listen better. Most of our spirits are badly wounded or even worse ignored and neglected. Mine won't be ignored. She has these wonderfully terrifying ways of getting my attention, even right after I've raped her and left her battered and alone. I guess I finally grew tired of the work it took to shut her up or block my ears. Now that I've listened long enough to really understand her songs, the sound of them is the most beautiful music I've ever heard. Beyond my greatest dreams. So I'll keep listening and very slowly accept the comfort of this music more and more instead of fighting it and reaching for the the cold blade of oblivion's knife...

Saturday, February 25th 2006

 01/28/2017     Prayer for America
 05/27/2014     "Free" music
 12/30/2013     Happy New Year
 09/26/2013     Ignorant Bliss
 11/29/2012     Gillen & Turk 2008 Opening for Todd Rungren
 08/27/2012     Shallow Money Trench
 06/22/2012     Crazy Horse
 05/9/2012     Talk
 01/19/2012     Freedom
 12/31/2011     Happy New Year
 12/13/2011     Men of Business
 11/19/2011     WAR
 11/18/2011     Earth And Spirit
 10/10/2011     Occupy Wall Street
 10/6/2011     Independence
 09/20/2011     Anger and Love
 09/6/2011     You Can't Have Everything
 09/1/2011     The Instruments
 08/30/2011     Fathers
 08/2/2011     On Being An Artist
 05/11/2011     Speaking The Truth
 04/25/2011     Tuning the lead vocal
 03/17/2011     Instilling Values
 01/14/2011     The Current Music Business
 11/5/2010     Even The Air
 10/19/2010     Rednecks, Racism, This-ism, that-ism
 09/8/2010     9/11
 07/18/2010     Being Ecumenical
 07/6/2010     Dust
 06/30/2010     Gay Rights/ Marriage
 03/11/2010     The heart
 03/11/2010     Culture
 01/5/2010     Coats
 12/11/2009     Pete Seeger
 12/2/2009     Environmental Protest Songs
 10/5/2009     Adam & Eve
 06/18/2009     The World Rolls Along
 06/11/2009     Clearwater
 06/10/2009     The World Rolls Along
 06/10/2009     War Machine
 06/9/2009     alternative media
 06/9/2009     alternative media
 05/14/2008     God
 02/24/2008     broke
 02/11/2008     HOPE MACHINE
 01/6/2008     Dennis Kucinich
 12/27/2007     NYPD
 10/4/2007     Mitakuye Oyasin
 05/21/2007     The Past
 04/15/2007     Kurt Vonnegut, Indian Point
 10/8/2006     God
 06/26/2006     From the Pe Sla -the heart of the heart of Lakota sacred land -the Black Hills of South Dakota
 06/5/2006     Mowing The Lawn
 03/24/2006     Gone Gone Gone
==>02/25/2006     grace
 09/26/2005     Sky To Mountain
 09/22/2005     Love
 09/14/2005     Look Down
 04/19/2005     April 2005
 01/27/2005     Poverty
 01/11/2005     Grace
 12/3/2004     Standing Up 2
 12/1/2004     Tired
 11/29/2004     Standing Up
 11/29/2004     Mercy
 09/18/2004     Beaten
 08/7/2004     Half Full
 07/16/2004     Hallelujia!
 07/16/2004     Battered Feathers
 03/14/2004     gifts
 03/1/2004     Ancestors
 03/1/2004     A Prayer
 12/24/2003     "The Bomb"
 05/16/2003     Safe
 05/16/2003     Satan
 05/5/2003     Faith, Hope, Love
 03/10/2003     Tatoo
 02/11/2003     Folk Music is alive and well!
 01/13/2003     Revolution
 01/2/2003     January 2003
 11/17/2002     FEAR
 11/9/2002     Election Day
 10/30/2002     Election Day
 10/14/2002     Checkpoint Charlie
 06/17/2002     Revolution
 06/3/2002     Gold
 06/3/2002     WAGE LOVE!
 06/3/2002     Mercy
 06/3/2002     New World Order?
 04/4/2002     Real?
 04/4/2002     Billboards
 04/4/2002     Faith
 03/22/2002     Living into the 21st century
 03/22/2002     Comfort
 03/22/2002     Barren Ground
 03/22/2002     Dreams
 03/14/2002     March 11, 2002
 02/25/2002     Germany
 12/14/2001     NOW
 09/19/2001     September 11, 2001
 08/6/2001     #5 Taking Responsibility
 07/12/2001     Television
 06/11/2001     #3: Sprawl
 05/16/2001     #2
 05/16/2001     #1


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